Crucial Conversations. Tools for talking when stakes are high.

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, 2012

Books are great for gaining new perspectives. Here´s a summary for the busy ones amongst you. Of course an excerpt is always based on a personal choice. But I am hoping to encourage some of you to have a look into this great book that has become such a huge success when it comes to working on interpersonal relationships.

What is it all about?

When stakes are high and emotions take control of our behaviour we tend to lose control of our communication. When it matters most, we do our worst. The book investigates reasons why our conversations turn from routine to crucial when stakes are high.

It offers tools to master crucial conversations in a very pragmatic and hands-on way. You will get insights and learn techniques how to master your dialogues and achieve optimal results in your personal and professional life. The author´s research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations and communities all draw from the same source of power — the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

I recommend reading the book to anyone who wants improve their relationships through effective communication.

What is a crucial conversation?

A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. This could be a discussion about a project delivery at work or an issue about how to run the household with your partner. Just anything.

Some common crucial conversations:

- Ending a relationship

- Critiquing a colleague´s work

- Giving the boss feedback about his or her behaviour

- Asking a friend to repay a loan

- Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies

- Discussing problems with sexual intimacy

- Giving an unfavorable performance review

- Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem

In general it can be said that a conversation turns crucial the moment people don´t feel safe anymore. They might react with silence or violence.

How do we typically handle crucial conversations?

- We avoid them (by turning silent e.g.).

- We face them and handle poorly.

- We face them and handle well.

’’Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.“

– Martin Luther King Jr.

Why do we do so poorly when stakes are high?

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool´s Choice from an early age. For instance, we learned that when Grandma served a pie and then asks ’’Do you like it?“ — she really meant: ’’Do you like me?“. When we answered honestly and saw the look of hurt on her face we decided to chose between candor and kindness — sometimes for the rest of our lives. Often we continue these Fool´s Choices with our bosses, colleagues, loved ones and line cutters. And the consequences can be disastrous.

So what´s the solution?

The solution is dialogue. Dialogue means a free flow of meaning between two or more people. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action. Creating a pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

And here´s the good news: Dialogue skills are learnable.

The first important rule: The only person that you can directly control is yourself, not others.

How to stay focused on what you really want

When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace. Once this happens you can stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue:

- What do I really want for myself?

- What do I really want for others?

- What do I really want for the relationship?

And then: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

How to notice when safety is at risk

When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. This is why looking for safety risks becomes crucial. Once we recognize a safety risk the key is to step out of the content of our conversation, make it safe again by creating mutual RESPECT and then step back in. Here´s an example what this could sound like: ’’Can we change gears for a minute? I´d like to talk about this. It would be good if we could both share what´s working and what isn´t. My goal isn´t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don´t want to become defensive. What I´d really love is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied.“

How to stay in dialogue when you´re angry, scared, or hurt

Emotions don´t just happen to us. They are not foisted upon you by others. Others don´t make you mad. YOU make you mad. As it turns out there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. Actions themselves can´t and don´t cause emotional reactions. We tell ourselves a story about the actions, we interpret them. And this interpretation is what creates our feelings. We also add judgment — is that good or bad? This is why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, ten people may have ten different emotional responses.

’’Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.“

- William Shakespeare

This is what the authors call the path to action:

We see and hear => We tell ourselves a story (interpret) => we feel => we act

Now, since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. We now have a point of leverage or control. If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or telling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our crucial conversations.

The tool the authors offer us is to retrace the path. This is how it works:

Notice your behaviour. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you´re really doing (you will need to be honest with yourself!).

- Am I in some form of silence or violence?

Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story.

- What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations

behind your story.

- What story is creating these emotions?

Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts

and your invented story

- What evidence do I have to support this story?

Victim, villain, and helpless stories is tat the top oft he list.

Then: Tell the rest of the story. Ask:

- Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

- Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

- What do I really want?

- What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

By implementing this tool and working at these ideas, you will see dramatic improvement in your relationships and results. You need not to be perfect to make progress.

It is definitely worth a try!

The main part of this script is quoted directly from the book.

Crucial Conversations. Tools for talking when stakes are high. By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, 2012