On Trash Trucks, Yoga Teachers and other Drama Queens
Good communication is the foundation for healthy relationships, effective teamwork and trusted partnerships, but… hell! Can it go wrong sometimes!
As the year is coming to an end, it’s time to take a break, spend some quality moments with our loved ones and enjoy this quiet time of the year. Many of us use this period to look back, think about our priorities and plan for the next year. I just had a very enriching exchange with a colleague — who made me feel good simply by the way she communicated. This conversation inspired me to reflect on this question:
What are good and not so good communication examples that I experienced this year?
Many practical examples come to mind, personal failures, some moments of pride, but most importantly, great best practices that I’ve seen being shared by leaders through my work.
I am thinking of my 8-year-old nephew, with whom I was able to establish virtual communication through this pandemic. Of course, just talking once a week wouldn’t have worked. That’s why we came up with this idea of him being my zoom yoga teacher. Well, you can’t really call it yoga what we do. But he is incredibly creative creating poses, moving and giving me directions — and of course he loves that I follow all of those directions! The joy and happiness that these fun sessions have brought me is incredible. And thanks to this regular routine, we have managed to keep close our relationship, even though he lives in Germany and I in Canada.
The examples I failed at mostly relate to the times when I was triggered and emotions kicked in. As a passionate learner and facilitator of emotional intelligence workshops, I know the importance of being aware of and managing our emotions in conversations. But sometimes we find ourselves trapped in the “knowing-doing-gap”. I certainly do. A funny learning happened a few years ago. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I was late for a flight. Sitting in my car starting to get very nervous about whether or not I would be able to make it, I saw this truck pull up in front of me. And pick up the trash, one trash can after the other. Completely out of my mind I stepped out of my car and started yelling. Like an idiot. It wasn’t until my partner asked me “What the hell are you doing?” that I realized how stupid my reaction was. This is what they call being hijacked by emotions. Of course, the person collecting the trash also thought I was an idiot — and guess what… picked up the trash at an even lower pace. Today I laugh at this situation. Today I learned a few tools that help me identify my own emotional state and deal with emotions as they arise. Most of them are as simple as taking a deep breath, taking a step back, pausing before responding to a certain email, or just going for a quick walk. I think it’s important to know our needs but also to create awareness around what our “hot buttons” are. Mine is definitely being late.
We often get emotional when there is a mismatch with our values or when stakes are high. That’s why I’m adding a few more situations in my mind in which I got triggered that relate to people I love. We cannot avoid this reaction, and sometimes it’s absolutely ok to make use of these emotions — since they represent information about something that is important to us.
If we want to avoid being dominated by emotion in our conversations, decision-making or in moments we are on the spot, there’s great tools that can help us to flex that emotional intelligence muscle. The first step in not acting out of emotion is awareness. I can certainly confirm that I don’t always yell, even if sometimes I get emotional at work, for example. There is so much phenomenal work out there (Daniel Goleman, Susan David, Travis Bradberry and many more) that can help us to become more emotionally intelligent in our conversations.
People often think that in my role as a workshop facilitator, I am in the spotlight. And for some of my colleagues that may be true. As I am also a coach and a rather introverted person, I appreciate the workshops that focus on my participants much more. I am fortunate to hear from leaders around the globe what works well for them. The lessons learned from these sessions are the reason why I love what I do.
If you would ask me, what is the secret recipe for employee motivation and engagement, I would name the one quality that I have heard most from leaders but also from employees who talk about their leaders: The power of appreciation.
The effect of saying a simple word like “thank you”, “I appreciate your efforts”, or congratulating people on small accomplishments is one of the most powerful communication tools I believe in. Leaders build trust with their team members by showing small gestures of appreciation.
However, one pitfall to be aware of is not to overdo it. People appreciate being authentically recognized at the right time. We should keep in mind that people are smart and feel if we make use of appreciation as a motivational tool. The leaders I’ve seen who authentically value their people are the ones who ponder the right moment, what the right forum is (e.g., introverts may prefer not to be recognized in front of a large audience) and that remain authentic.
I think of this one leader who shared that he was trying as hard as possible not to postpone a 1-on-1 meeting with his team members. Impressive. What a great way to show someone that they matter. And to be completely honest: How often has it happened to us, that we gave preference to this client meeting? Another leader shared how positively surprised her employee at the year-end performance review that she remembered a small achievement she had accomplished many months ago. This employee entered this discussion with a little anxiety and left the conversation being feeling happy and motivated. Many organizations have appraisal tools in place and I think they are great for creating awareness for all of us, but also visibility for people who have done a great job. I also think that appreciation is something we can all focus on more. What if we appreciated not only great achievements, but also effort? I remember this other leader who mentioned recognizing the learning he was seeing in someone. Not the big success. Someone who has failed, learned from it, and adapted. You have to be vulnerable, open to feedback and resilient to learn from mistakes and do better next time. I think we can all empathize with how great it must feel if someone recognizes that in us.
Of course, appreciation alone is not enough. In my observation, the most effective leaders are those who don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Who share honest feedback with care and intent to encourage individual growth. (Kim Scott’s book on Radical Candor provides great insight into the subject). Lots of people even ask for corrective feedback to help them grow– it’s all about the way we deliver it.
When I think of communication, there is another quality that I have seen make a huge difference: genuine, empathetic deep listening. A few role models come to mind, and I constantly bring them to the top of my consciousness. What are these people doing? They check in regularly, avoid distractions, are fully present and show me by asking curious questions that they care about me. In these conversations, trust builds, and I personally believe that there is no better way to make people feel valued.
I remember that group coaching session, in which one person shared with another: “I can see through my screen that you are really listening to me.” I also think of this leader who shared with me that during the pandemic he called every team member every two weeks, just to ask them how they were doing. The only restriction: He didn’t want to hear anything related to business. At first, he said, people were a little confused to receive this call from their boss. But you can surely imagine the impact on them feeling valued.
Again, there’s so much great work around the power of deep listening out there (the “Appreciative Inquiry Approach”, Otto Scharmer’s “Theory U”, Edgar Schein’s “Humble Inquiry” — just to name a few).
A comment I hear quite often from executives is, “I thought I was a good listener, but I recognize there is room for improvement.” I certainly identify with that.
I am happy to have many opportunities in which I can continue to practice this crucial skill. I sometimes host big conferences where I’m more in a teaching role. But what I enjoy most, are the times when I can focus on others, listen to workshop participants, summarize, create connections and make people share, learn from each other, reflect and thus engage in a common learning experience.
Thinking of leaders who model excellent communication skills, another trait comes to mind: Those people who not only ask the curious questions but also remember the details. I think of this acquaintance who — every time we meet — remembers exactly what I had shared last time — and follows up. So many small opportunities to make others feel seen and show them a true interest: Remembering the spouse’s, kid’s or dog’s name, asking a question about the last holiday — (also remembering where is was!), or simply remembering a person’s hobby. I definitely get inspired by people doing this.
Another trap I’ve seen leaders run into that certainly applies to me from time to time, is not sticking to the facts when communicating. Making assumptions about the other person’s intent. Do you know people who have a drama queen in their mind? I don’t have to think twice because I am one of those candidates. If a co-worker doesn’t respond I think I did something wrong, if someone ignores me, I assume negative intent. I have created whole stories explaining why one small mistake on my part will negatively impact an entire organization. Having a bit of a worrier mindset here. A good way to get out of that hamster wheel is to check the facts. I often discuss things with someone when I find myself starting to go down the “rabbit hole of exaggeration”.
Speaking of people who can help us become aware of our communication, I would definitely want to add the topic of feedback to these considerations. I think there is rarely a workshop in which I do not emphasize the importance of being aware of our blind spots. To check how others perceive us. Personally, I am fortunate to receive regular feedback, because after each workshop, participants share an evaluation. Which means I’m fairly aware of how others see me in my formal role. But I also ask for feedback in unusual contexts. This private negotiation comes to mind, in which my partner was sitting next to me. After the discussion, I asked: How did I do? Have I been assertive enough? Did I sound arrogant?
Of course, a reflection on communication in 2021 cannot fail to evoke the virtual space in which we all act nowadays. I have to admit that I miss personal contact so much. However, there are a few basic rules that help me manage my communication. One of them is Laswell’s formula: “Who? Says what? In which channel? To whom? Whit what effect? For me, this formula helps me to consider if I am the right person to communicate or if it should be someone else, the clarity of the message same as which channel to use. And of course, to think about the impact I want to have. For example, if I know that a conversation can get difficult, ideally, I try to manage a face-to-face conversation. When that isn’t possible, I make sure to have my camera turned on, eliminate any distractions and be present and focused. I have become very aware of communication channels. What is best to write in an e-mail? When should we speak? I also prepare quite well for difficult conversations, writing down key messages.
I would like to close my reflection with the greatest gift that life gives me using communication: Connecting with people. Whether with the people I love, friends or at work. My partner and I live a rather extraordinary model of intercontinental marriage: I live in Canada and my partner in Germany. I am incredibly grateful to live in Quebec and to have the opportunity to communicate with people in three languages. Learning about their cultures, preferences and what is important to them. This is what communication does for me.
I wish you happy holidays, good connections and healthy relationships!
